


Of Self-Doubt, Reassurance and Love

by bokutiddies



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Fluff and Angst, Insecurity, M/M, Miya Atsumu Needs a Hug, Overthinking, Self-Doubt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-07
Updated: 2020-08-07
Packaged: 2021-03-05 21:29:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,990
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25772116
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bokutiddies/pseuds/bokutiddies
Summary: “He knows Kiyoomi wouldn’t be dating him if he actually despised him but his stupid brain wouldn’t stop with the “what if’s?” What if Sakusa actually hated him? What if he stopped loving him and didn’t know how to tell him? What if-?”Or in which Atsumu overthinks a lot and needs reassurance
Relationships: Miya Atsumu/Sakusa Kiyoomi
Comments: 4
Kudos: 406





	Of Self-Doubt, Reassurance and Love

**Author's Note:**

> Hi!  
> So I had this headcanon where Atsumu hurts every time someone he loves tells him he's annoying or that they hate him because he overthinks it... and well... this small fic is the result.  
> Hope you enjoy!

Miya Atsumu comes off as someone cocky, self-confident and as someone who doesn’t give two shits about what people say about him. Hell, he knows most people despise him, it’s been like that since he was a little kid but he never cared at all. Why would he care about what some unknown, insignificant people say about him?

Not everything is like it seems though. Miya Atsumu does care if said comments come from people he cares about and loves, like, for instance, his boyfriend Sakusa Kiyoomi. Their relationship might seem surprising to many as the two couldn’t be more different from each other: while one is loud, the other is quiet and while one is messy, the other hates mess. Hell, it was even surprising to them when, after months of pining, Atsumu had had enough and asked the raven out and Sakusa —who had spent months hating his stupid heart for falling for the ̶c̶u̶t̶e̶ stupid blonde— said yes. But well, as the saying goes: opposites attract. Even though they were dating —had been for several months already—, their relationship didn’t change much: they still bickered all the time and loved to piss the other off, as that was their way of showing affection. The blonde still used that nickname that Sakusa pretended to hate: “Omi” or “Omi-omi”, while the raven still called the blonde “Miya”, which somewhere along the progress of their relationship turned into a term of endearment. So, practically, the only difference was that now they shared kisses and cuddles and well… sex. 

Contrary to popular belief, Atsumu’s cockiness is quite a façade: he needs reassurance, as he tends to overthink things. Atsumu knows what his boyfriend is doing is playful banter and that he doesn’t really mean it when he says _“I hate you so much, Miya”_ or _“You’re disgusting”_ or _“Jesus Christ, you’re so insufferable I can’t even stand you”_. But constantly hearing it makes Atsumu wonder if perhaps there is some truth behind all the comments. He knows Kiyoomi wouldn’t be dating him if he actually despised him but his stupid brain wouldn’t stop with the “what if’s?” _What if Sakusa actually hated him? What if he stopped loving him and didn’t know how to tell him? What if-?_

* * *

The Black Jackals were currently training for an upcoming match. And as usual practice was loud as hell: Bokuto’s never ending energy, Hinata’s loud excitement, Atsumu’s teasing remarks and the bickering between Sakusa and Atsumu.

“Omi-omi, yer so mean!!!”

“And you’re annoying, Miya, what’s new?”

“Stupid Omi, ya couldn’t even spike that ball, maybe we should find another spiker.”

“That’s your fault, Miya. Your set was off.”

“Ha, ya wish! My sets are always the best, just like me.”

Sakusa rolled his eyes: “You’re only the best at annoying people, Miya.”

“Yer wounding me, Omi!” Atsumu put his hand over his heart, feigning hurt in a dramatic way.

“Suck it up, you big baby.”

“Baby? I’m no baby!”

“Yet you whine like one.”

And so the bickering continued during practice, making the other players smile fondly at them and snicker sometimes. Atsumu was actually having fun, until that one word came again:

“Ugh, Miya, I hate you.”

Atsumu went awfully quiet after that. No one thought much about it, as the blonde put up a smile —albeit a fake one. Over the course of the years Atsumu had mastered the art of making his fake smile seem as real as the genuine ones. So no one really noticed when he was faking it unless, of course, they knew what signs to look for. And very few people knew the signs.

He didn’t shut up because Kiyoomi asked him to, after all, he usually ignores his boyfriend’s attempts to quieten him just to piss him off. No, Atsumu went silent because of that word: hate. His head was fuzzy, ears buzzing, his brain couldn’t stop repeating that word over and over again. _Hate. Hate. Hate. He hates you. Are you even surprised? Everyone does. Hate. Hate. Oh, how he hated the word._

Somehow, he managed to pull through practice without actually breaking down and without anyone noticing his inner turmoil. Sakusa was waiting for him to go home together.

“Miya, you’re so slow, come on.”

“Actually, Omi, I’m staying for a while longer. Meian just gave me permission. I want to practice… my serves. So get going, I’ll see ya home, ‘kay?” Atsumu put up the best fake smile he could muster. He just wanted to be alone for a while so he could keep his mind distracted the best way he knew: through volleyball.

Kiyoomi raised his eyebrows. Something about the setter seemed off but he couldn’t pinpoint what was exactly going on. He decided —and hoped— that Atsumu would tell him when he was ready or —knowing the blonde— when he couldn’t take it anymore, so he let him be.

“Okay. Don’t overwork yourself.”

“Awww, is Omi worried about me?

“Ugh, shut it”, said Sakusa while rolling his eyes.

* * *

Atsumu was all alone in the gym. He still couldn’t shake off the negative thoughts so he grabbed the box with volleyballs and started serving. This worked for a while but then his stupid brain started recalling things.

_“I hate you”_

The ball was out. He grabbed a new one.

_“I can’t stand you”_

The ball went out again.

_“You’re insufferable.”_

Again, the ball was out.

_He hates you. He hates you. He hates you._

Atsumu yelled in frustration. His mind wouldn’t shut up and he couldn’t focus. He started breathing faster, his arms trembling, hands shaking, sweating. In an attempt to calm himself, he sat on the floor, elbows pressed against his knees and hands pressed against his eyelids to stop the tears that threatened to come out. He tried counting.

_1, 2, 3, 4. In. 1,2,3,4. Out. Repeat. Repeat. Don’t cry. Repeat._

Eventually, he managed to breathe normally once again but the sheer amount of effort it took left him exhausted. He just wanted to go home and lay in bed and be cuddled until he fell asleep. So with a huge effort Atsumu got up from the floor, picked up all balls and closed the gym. It was a long walk home and hopefully it would help to clear his mind enough that his boyfriend wouldn’t notice anything. He didn’t want to bother him.

 _He would hate you even more_ , said the little voice in his brain.

* * *

As soon as Atsumu opened the door, he could smell something delicious. It seemed like Kiyoomi was still making dinner. So after taking off his shoes, he went into the kitchen to greet him. The blonde smiled softly seeing the raven wearing a pink apron and humming to himself. His mood improved a tiny bit thanks to the scene unfolding right in front of his eyes. Without thinking, he got closer and hugged his boyfriend from behind. Kiyoomi stiffened at first as he didn’t hear the blonde but, out of habit, ended up relaxing into the touch. If only the relaxed and warm atmosphere lasted….

“Miya, you stink. Stop hugging me with your disgusting hands and go take a shower. As far as I can smell, you haven’t showered at the gym nor changed your clothes. Disgusting. Now I’ll have to take yet another shower thanks to your inexistent hygiene”, sighed Kiyoomi.

Atsumu realized that the exhaustion that followed his meltdown back at the gym had made him forget about taking a shower or even changing clothes: he was still wearing his uniform. He knew why that bothered Kiyoomi: he hated germs and, although his mysophobia wasn’t as intense as it was back in high school (that’s what the raven told him once) some things still bothered him. And, deep down, he also knew that there was no malice behind the comment. But Atsumu, who was always careful and always kept in mind his boyfriend’s mysophobia, wasn’t really in his right mind at the moment: self-doubt and negative thoughts had been keeping him on edge, especially today. Kiyoomi’s harsh tone and remark were the final straw: the dam broke.

Atsumu stopped hugging his boyfriend and took a few steps away before lashing out at him:

“For fuck’s sake, Sakusa, why are ya like this? Can’t ya see that I am not okay? That maybe today was not a good day? That maybe something happened and that’s why I couldn’t find the strength to change clothes or shower? That maybe I just needed a hug and that’s why it’s the first thing I’ve done upon arriving? That I just wanted to receive some affection and all I got instead is a harsh remark in a harsh tone? Of course my ‘inexistent hygiene’ is more important to ya than me, of fucking course! Don’t worry, I’m gonna take care of that right away.”

Atsumu left the kitchen and the sound of a door being slammed rather forcefully could be heard upstairs. The setter sat on the bathroom floor, his back against the wall, feeling kind of guilty for lashing out like that but he was just so tired of feeling like this; so tired of negative thoughts and self-doubt; so tired of overthinking; so tired of everything. He just wanted his brain to shut up for once, yet he kept hearing the little voice in his head. _He hates you. If he didn’t hate you before, he surely does now. He hates you. He hates you. It was to be expected, who wouldn’t hate you_. Atsumu started crying, he couldn’t take this anymore.

* * *

Kiyoomi found himself startled and speechless in the middle of the kitchen. _What the hell had just happened?_ Ever since they had known each other, Atsumu had never called him Sakusa, he always referred to him as “Omi” or “Omi-Omi” and, in some rare, soft occasions, “Kiyoomi”. But never Sakusa. Somehow, it felt wrong to hear his name coming from Atsumu’s mouth and it felt wrong hearing that cold, harsh tone.

Kiyoomi turned off the stove and went upstairs to find Atsumu so he could know what was bothering him and they could talk it out. He could see light coming from under the bathroom’s door. _Ah, so there he is._ He paused as he heard some weird noises... they seemed like muffled sobs. _Wait, was Atsumu crying?_ Now Sakusa was panicking, something serious must be going on for Atsumu to be sobbing. You see, Sakusa had never seen his boyfriend sobbing or having a breakdown. Of course, he had seen him cry while watching movies and he had always teased him about it but this was different… this wasn’t movie related. 

Kiyoomi hesitated in front of the door. He didn’t know what to do, as it was the first time he found himself in this kind of situation. Should he go inside? Or should he wait for Atsumu to calm down? He wasn’t sure if the blonde wanted to see him right now. But, as time passed by, Atsumu’s sobs were more frequent and louder and he couldn’t take it anymore. He really wanted to comfort the boy, so he knocked softly on the door. The sobs stopped.

“What do ya want, Sakusa? Wanna make sure I don’t stink anymore?”

Kiyoomi found himself at a loss of words. “What? No, Miy- Atsumu. It’s not that. Are… are you okay? _Well, of course he isn’t. He told you before. What kind of question is that?_

A chuckle and then a trembling voice: “No, I’m not… Do ya even care, though?”

“Of course I do. Can I come in, please?”

“I haven’t showered yet. I’m sure ya don’t wanna come near me since I stink.”

“I don’t care about that.”

“Ya sure cared about my lack of hygiene just a few minutes ago.”

“I... Let me in, please. I know you’ve been crying in there and both you and your well-being are more important right now than your hygiene. Please.”

“…come in.”

Kiyoomi sure wasn’t ready for the sight before his eyes. Atsumu had his face hidden against his knees and his nails were digging hard into his arms, which sure as hell would leave marks. He was rocking himself softly, as if trying to comfort or calm himself. His breathing was shaky and loud. Kiyoomi’s heart clenched painfully seeing his boyfriend like that.

Against what his brain was telling him, he kneeled on the bathroom floor right before Atsumu. He pushed the thoughts about germs far in his mind, right now the boy in front of him was more important than his mysophobia. He put his hands on top of Atsumu’s, stroking them gently with his thumb in an attempt to make him stop digging his nails on his skin. Atsumu, feeling the touch, stiffened.

“Atsumu… hey, stop that. You’re hurting yourself”, spoke Kiyoomi in the gentlest tone he could muster.

Atsumu didn’t say anything, but he stopped and let Kiyoomi gently remove his hands from his arms and lace their fingers together.

“Hey. Look at me, Atsumu. I need to see you.”

Atsumu shook his head but, reluctantly, after a few seconds, lifted his head. His cheeks were tear-stained and his eyes were puffed, making Kiyoomi’s heart clench again.

“Oh, baby. C’mere.” Kiyoomi sat Atsumu on his lap, ignoring once again the alarms his brain was sending him about germs. He stroked the blonde’s back gently, in a comforting way.

“Can you tell me what’s wrong? What happened?

Atsumu tried to speak but no words left his mouth, rather a loud sob made his way out of his mouth, as he had been holding them back since Kiyoomi entered the bathroom. He tried to stop them once again but he didn’t have the strength to do it so he hid his face on Kiyoomi’s neck and started sobbing his heart out.

Kiyoomi was startled, although he had seen it coming. He recovered quickly from the shock and started stroking Atsumu’s hair and back hoping to comfort him. That only made Atsumu sob even harder.

“It’s okay. Let it all out, baby. I’m here, it’s alright.” He started whispering reassurances on Atsumu’s ear non-stop.

Kiyoomi didn’t know how long they had been sitting on the floor nor how long Atsumu’s sobs lasted but eventually the boy on his lap managed to calm down and only small sniffles could be heard. When the sniffles stopped, Atsumu started speaking.

“Sorry about that, Omi.”

“It’s okay, you don’t have to apologize for this”, said Kiyoomi while still stroking the blonde’s back.

“I ruined your shirt.”

“Oh that? Don’t worry, shirts can be washed.”

Silence filled the bathroom.

“Atsumu… look at me, please.”

Atsumu sighed and lifted his head so he was face to face with Kiyoomi. The raven stroked the blonde’s cheeks lovingly drying the rests of tears with his thumbs.

“What’s wrong? You were acting weird today at practice and you’ve seemed off these past days. I didn’t think anything about it until, well, now. So, can you tell me what’s wrong?”

Atsumu looked away but started speaking.

“Ya know lots of people hate me, right? And that it’s been like that since I was a kid? I honestly don’t care about their hate but… when I hear it from someone who I love… it hurts a lot. I know what we do is just bickering because that’s our thing. I know ya don’t really mean it when ya say things like you hate me or that ya can’t stand me. But… there’s a part of my brain that can’t help but overthink and believes that there’s some truth behind those comments and it doesn’t help when you say it so many times. I keep telling myself that you love me and I need to stop with the self-doubt and the overthinking but still…”

Kiyoomi paled recalling all the times when he said things like that. He felt really bad because he didn’t realize how much it was hurting his boyfriend. Although, in retrospect, he remembered how Atsumu had gone awfully silent or how his smile hadn’t actually reached his eyes after he said something along the lines of hating him.

“Fuck. I’m so sorry. I didn’t realize… I love you so much, Atsumu. So, so much. I know I don’t say it often but I truly believe you’re the love of my life. And I don’t hate you at all nor I think you’re disgusting, okay? I love you. I wouldn’t be dating you if I hated you.”

“I know that… I keep telling myself that but… I just- I don’t know. My stupid brain won’t shut up about you secretly hating me.”

Kiyoomi kissed him on the forehead.

“Well, then I guess from now on I’ll have to convince your stupid brain that I love you so damn much.”

Atsumu pouted: “Hey! You don’t get to call my brain stupid! Only I can insult my brain!”

Kiyoomi laughed softly: “Okay, whatever you say. I’ll also try to avoid saying this kind of things when we bicker… if somehow I forget about what we talked here and I say them… well, know that I don’t really mean it and… if it happens I’ll even receive one of your serves with my face.”

“Please, make sure ya don’t ever say it again. I don’t wanna ruin yer pretty face.”

Kiyoomi raised his eyebrows.

“Oh? So you think I’m pretty?”

Atsumu’s cheeks flushed.

“Oh, shut yer mouth! Ya heard me.”

Laughter filled the bathroom.

“Hey, Omi.”

“Yeah?”

“I love ya so much. Thanks.”

“No need to thank me. I love you too. A lot.”

Kiyoomi kissed him gently, making Atsumu sigh into the kiss. Their kiss was full of love and reassurance and melted the self-doubt away. They still had a long way to make Atsumu’s self-doubt truly disappear but as the saying goes they’ll take it one step at a time.


End file.
